The Dog Diatribe

There is something to be said for the simple albeit lowly food and drink item that is classically part of our culture and inspires fierce loyalty, dialog and occaisionally some mild violence. I submit the humble hot dog as evidence. Let me explain a few things here.

1.My Uncle is a fourth generation meat packer in Buffalo. He is the owner of Sahlen's Meats, a 125 year old company making hot dogs, polish sausage, and hams. His company and many others like his embrace the European tradition of quality hot dog production. The dogs are slightly smokey, packed in natural casing, have complex flavor and slightly sweet aftertaste. Despite the fact that Uncle Joe never gave me a damn free dog in his life, I still brag being related to him becase of the quality of his hot dogs.

2.No respectable human being should ever eat a tofu dog. I like tofu plenty but it doesn't belong in any shape resembling a hot dog or other meat form. You gave up the rights to eating hot dogs when you became a vegan.

3.The words "beef" or "rendered beef" should also be omitted from any hot dog ingredient list. Beef belongs in a steak, rib, chop, tenderloin, strip, hanger or burger...not a hot dog. The quantity of labels boasting the 100% pure beef is horrifying.

4.Real hot dogs, or the ancestral wurst or wiener are made from PORK with perhaps a tiny percentage of veal or beef. Not chicken or turkey or salmon or any other mystery filling. Put whatever you want in a sausage I don't really care but let's stop calling every unworthy shit stick in a bun in this country a hot dog.

5.Hot dogs should be cooked on a grill preferably with charcoal. You need to see grill marks and have the dog actually blister and split while cooking to know you're on the right path. It's a thing of beauty. Try this with an Oscar Meyer or Hebrew National fake hot dog and watch them shrivel flaccidly with fear on the grill. Don't even get me started on boiled or steamed dogs.

I hope this has been helpful and by the way don't let me catch you with any ketchup on a hot dog or I'll be forced to smack it out of your hands. I said this topic may lead to mild violence...